Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Just Another Morning

Dear LadyOnTheTube,
You’ve successfully confused me. Are you actually a random nice Lady who likes to partake in random acts of kindness? OR are you in fact a rude, assumptive Lady who I want to punch?

On our commute into work this morning, you and I were both standing holding on to the less than sanitary rails on the train as to not fall or lose our balance. Hey lady, it happens – to the best of us! People fall! For no apparent reason! And then those people look around to see if someone pushed them. And those people should not be made fun of, or stared at! As though falling on the tube (into other people!) is not mortifying enough on its own, the glaring eyes really make those people who fell want to jump off at the next stop (even if it’s not their ultimate destination) just so they can get away from the scene of the fall! I digress, as that really has nothing to do with you Lady, but I thought I’d just put that out there. Not because I personally fell recently of course, but just because it’s a topic that effects those using public transportation in general. Yup, not me – just in general. Uh huh.

Anywho, back to you Lady . . . as we approached the next stop someone got off the train leaving a coveted empty seat. As I was only a couple stops away from where I was heading, I didn’t bother to try and scoop the seat up – plus I think my new boots are better served when I’m standing and you can get the full effect of my ensemble. Being a seemingly experienced commuter you slid into the empty seat with ease before any newly-joining travellers could take it from you. “Mind the closing doors” rang into our ears and our journey continued. No sooner was the train back in motion, that you were looking me up and down (I though noticing the boots, score!) but then much to my surprise (read: dismay) you then looked me straight in the eyes and offered me your seat.

WHOA! Hold it right there Lady – I’m definitely not older than you, nor am I disabled, travelling with luggage, children, purchases, or any other category that would suggest one should give up their seat to me. I’ve been in this lovely city just long enough to know that when a place to sit on the tube becomes available you scoop that bad boy up unless a senior citizen or prego lady is in close radius. . .

THAT’S WHEN IT HIT ME! Holy crap Lady, you must think I’m pregnant! OMG, is it because my dress has horizontal stripes on it? Is it because I’m holding my sweater in front of my stomach and you thinks I’m trying to warm some type of bun-in-the-oven? Holy hell, do these boots make me look fat?!

Clearly it can’t be the latter as these boots are amazing, so I quickly realized that maybe my ensemble wasn’t as flattering as I thought. You know when you leave the house thinking you look like hot shit and then with one glance, one comment, one offer-of-a-seat later you second guess your fashion sense? I hate that. As soon as I got to work I headed to the bathroom’s full length mirror to reassess my situation. I totally did NOT look prego – AT ALL! I assure you I wasn’t just deducting that to make myself feel better, in no way did my clothing or it’s fit suggest that I was with child. Could I just be losing my mind and you are actually a Lady who likes to be nice for no apparent reason? Isn’t it sad that I automatically assumed you were a jerk who was making assumptions about me? Sheesh Lady, with one little act you made me think perhaps I was jaded, and worse that my new boots were anything short of awesome!

In any case, I promise you this Lady . . . if for any reason whatsoever I somehow magically discover that my first instinct was right and you offered me your seat because you thought I was knocked-up then so help me I’m going to hunt you down and provide you with a smorgasbord of sandwiches! And these aren’t going to be enjoyable tea sandwiches . . . they’re going to be a good old fashion helping of BREAD-KNUCKLE-BREAD! You got that, Lady!?

Love,
AssOutOfUMe

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