Wednesday, December 9, 2009

To Santa

Dear JollyOldStNicholas,
I think you’ll find that this letter proves to be fairly different than most you receive. I’m not going to ask you for a Red Rider BB Gun, EasyBake Oven, Barbie, Wii, or any other toy. In fact I’m not even going to ask for Dior, Chole, Balenciaga, Louboutin, or any of the luxuries that make my heart skip a beat. What I am going to do is make some suggestions on how your Christmas Eve deliveries can be more efficient:

1. Make sure the reindeers are full of protein so they have a lot of energy and don’t poop out right after Nantucket (that’s right Comet, the others complained you weren’t pulling your weight).
2. Don’t let Prancer drink too much cider, all those bathroom breaks slow you down.
3. You really don’t have to stop and eat ALL off the cookies and milk. Trust me moms and dads will cover for you with the kiddos.
4. Speaking of the cookies Mr. Kringle, if you’re belly had only ½ a bowl of jelly I think it would serve you well. Besides, who the hell picks jelly over jam anyways? Imagine a tummy that shakes like a bowl full of yummy. Yummy JAM that is.
5. Take away Vixen’s cell phone – you almost took out a whole skyscraper coming in for a landing because of the texting while flying. Safety first!
6. Make sure Rudolph’s nose is all charged up, we don’t want a repeat of 2004’s “LightsOut” fiasco.

Hopefully you’ll take these tips to heart, I know you’re the professional but all of us have room for improvement!


PS – Check the comments section, my enjoycicle readers may have left additional suggestions for you.


  1. is "enjoycicle" something you are trying to make happen? im on the fence about it.

  2. YES as a matter of fact I am trying to make it happen, and so far I've had rave reviews. You need to get off the fence and get on board!

  3. For Christmas I would like to see NE and play board games and yell a lot about the rules of the aforementioned board games and drink sangria.

    That is all. Also, enjoycicle sounds like a popsicle or a really fun bike. Or having a really enjoayble time whilst eating a popsicle.