As I’m sure you’ve ascertained by a month long hiatus, I have been absent from my blog. I know you’re expecting me to give you all the reasons why I haven’t managed to compose any Letters and/or Lists, but I’m not going to. I’m guessing reading about how I was working late and busy doesn’t sound like much fun. You know what does sound like fun!? These two new goals I’ve set for myself:
Goal 1: Lure cute dogs over to me (puppies are bonus).
How? By doing a dog luring jig (and promising doggy treats).
Why? Attaining dogs for petting and overall enjoyment (duh).
No’s: Carrying a big purse whilst luring (this evidently makes pet owners nervous that you’re going to steal).
Status: Not so good. While I did have LL help me perfect the jig technique (evidently even dogs need to be romanced), I have yet to lure any dogs that I didn’t already know. My dog Bradshaw that lives at my parents house was pretty into it but that’s because he already loves me. I did sort of lure one of my grandparent’s dogs, but I think that was more because of the beef jerky and less because of the jig. The quest continues. . .
Goal 2: Become a NY Yankee’s Butt Tapper (as in “good game Derek” tap-a-doodle on the rear).
How? Figure out where to apply (and get good references).
Why? Butt Tappers get to go to all the games and are on TV (plus I’d get to move to the concrete jungle where dreams are made of).
No’s: Succumbing to my Freeze-Up-And-Act-Like-A-Dufus-Around-Celebrities Disease (it’s a serious issue, I need professional help).
Status: Less than awesome, but I may have found an “in” (read: I’ve got nothing). At brunch a few weeks ago there was a lady with her jack russell terrier puppy (no I didn’t lure him, YET). This lady said that the puppy’s lineage traced back to Kurt Russell and Goldie Hawn’s dog who is obviously friends with Kate Hudson, who is dating Alex Rodriguez, who probably has a say in who taps his butt! That said, all I have to do is find that lady, lure her dog, become friends with it, meet it’s family, become friends with the family, get invited over to Kurt and Goldie’s for some sort of dog party, meet Kate, become friends with her, go on a double date with her and Alex, tap Alex's butt (perhaps after he makes a joke and say “good one” at the same time), Alex will then undoubtably talk to the Steinbrenners about my awesome technique and BAM! I have the job! In my estimation I’ll be packing up and moving in no time flat.
As you can see I have a lot of work to do, I’ll keep you updated on my progress.