Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Got TO DO, Got TO DO with it.

Dear BlogReaders,
Did you know I’m pretty much obsessed with all things lists? I KNOW, it’s like brand new information right? I like keeping you on your toes.

Anywhosie, if you are also a lover of the lists check out this website: TEUX DEUX

For my phonetically challenged readers that’s a tricky way to spell “to do”. Getting organized is already on our list of resolutions for 2010 right?


Wednesday, December 9, 2009

To Santa

Dear JollyOldStNicholas,
I think you’ll find that this letter proves to be fairly different than most you receive. I’m not going to ask you for a Red Rider BB Gun, EasyBake Oven, Barbie, Wii, or any other toy. In fact I’m not even going to ask for Dior, Chole, Balenciaga, Louboutin, or any of the luxuries that make my heart skip a beat. What I am going to do is make some suggestions on how your Christmas Eve deliveries can be more efficient:

1. Make sure the reindeers are full of protein so they have a lot of energy and don’t poop out right after Nantucket (that’s right Comet, the others complained you weren’t pulling your weight).
2. Don’t let Prancer drink too much cider, all those bathroom breaks slow you down.
3. You really don’t have to stop and eat ALL off the cookies and milk. Trust me moms and dads will cover for you with the kiddos.
4. Speaking of the cookies Mr. Kringle, if you’re belly had only ½ a bowl of jelly I think it would serve you well. Besides, who the hell picks jelly over jam anyways? Imagine a tummy that shakes like a bowl full of yummy. Yummy JAM that is.
5. Take away Vixen’s cell phone – you almost took out a whole skyscraper coming in for a landing because of the texting while flying. Safety first!
6. Make sure Rudolph’s nose is all charged up, we don’t want a repeat of 2004’s “LightsOut” fiasco.

Hopefully you’ll take these tips to heart, I know you’re the professional but all of us have room for improvement!


PS – Check the comments section, my enjoycicle readers may have left additional suggestions for you.

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Blah-g (and some goals).

As I’m sure you’ve ascertained by a month long hiatus, I have been absent from my blog. I know you’re expecting me to give you all the reasons why I haven’t managed to compose any Letters and/or Lists, but I’m not going to. I’m guessing reading about how I was working late and busy doesn’t sound like much fun. You know what does sound like fun!? These two new goals I’ve set for myself:

Goal 1: Lure cute dogs over to me (puppies are bonus).
How? By doing a dog luring jig (and promising doggy treats).
Why? Attaining dogs for petting and overall enjoyment (duh).
No’s: Carrying a big purse whilst luring (this evidently makes pet owners nervous that you’re going to steal).
Status: Not so good. While I did have LL help me perfect the jig technique (evidently even dogs need to be romanced), I have yet to lure any dogs that I didn’t already know. My dog Bradshaw that lives at my parents house was pretty into it but that’s because he already loves me. I did sort of lure one of my grandparent’s dogs, but I think that was more because of the beef jerky and less because of the jig. The quest continues. . .

Goal 2: Become a NY Yankee’s Butt Tapper (as in “good game Derek” tap-a-doodle on the rear).
How? Figure out where to apply (and get good references).
Why? Butt Tappers get to go to all the games and are on TV (plus I’d get to move to the concrete jungle where dreams are made of).
No’s: Succumbing to my Freeze-Up-And-Act-Like-A-Dufus-Around-Celebrities Disease (it’s a serious issue, I need professional help).
Status: Less than awesome, but I may have found an “in” (read: I’ve got nothing). At brunch a few weeks ago there was a lady with her jack russell terrier puppy (no I didn’t lure him, YET). This lady said that the puppy’s lineage traced back to Kurt Russell and Goldie Hawn’s dog who is obviously friends with Kate Hudson, who is dating Alex Rodriguez, who probably has a say in who taps his butt! That said, all I have to do is find that lady, lure her dog, become friends with it, meet it’s family, become friends with the family, get invited over to Kurt and Goldie’s for some sort of dog party, meet Kate, become friends with her, go on a double date with her and Alex, tap Alex's butt (perhaps after he makes a joke and say “good one” at the same time), Alex will then undoubtably talk to the Steinbrenners about my awesome technique and BAM! I have the job! In my estimation I’ll be packing up and moving in no time flat.

As you can see I have a lot of work to do, I’ll keep you updated on my progress.