Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Oh See D.

Dear BlogReadersThatArePrettyMuchComprisedOfTheSixPeopleIForceToReadThis,

I’m NE, and I have OCD tendencies. [This is where you say “Hi NE” to your computer screen. I’ll wait . . .]

Oh, hello there, thank you for that lovely welcome!

It’s time to discuss a serious problem, but don’t worry step 1 is already complete – I’m admitting I’m powerless against this addiction. The bad news is that means there’s a decent chance I’m nuts; the good news is I’m not certifiable and my friends are in the same boat*. Maybe not ALL of my friends, but at least one for certain.

I know what you’re thinking “you’re not crazy NE” you’re calm, cool, and collected. But my friends, that’s all a charade. Not to be confused with playing charades although I do think that’s highly underrated – OOOHHH WE SHOULD HAVE A GAME NIGHT! I’ll bring the wine. Now should we do full on appetizers or just snacks? Let’s make sure we invite people that have less than average skills so it increases my chances of winning. Also, how do we feel about cold hard cash as a prize? Who will be in charge of putting up the money? NOT IT! Oh snap, bummer for you sucka. I was thinking $422.86 is reasonable, I’m sure you’ve got that tucked away somewhere. I’m a mover and shaker so my calendar fills up quickly. It’d be best if you could let me know your availability ASAP. Don’t be a rascal and wait to the last minute otherwise we can just forget about this whole thing right now. What other games do you think we should play? What’s that? PARCHEESI?! BlogReader, are you kidding me with this shit? Now if you said Uno I could get on board.

HOLD UP. I’m digressing, what was I talking about before this? I don’t understand why you insist on confusing me so! Damn it, let’s concentrate and move on to my original intent, the list . . .

Evidence that if I took a “Which FRIENDS Character Are You?” quiz the result would be Monica Gellar:

1 - Only even numbers allowed! I don’t know when this started but it’s serious. I HAVE to have the radio volume and TV volume on an even number AT ALL TIMES. A lovely guest joined LL and I for the finally of the Bachelorette** on Monday and I almost reached over and pulled the remote violently out of her hand when she put the TV on volume #37 followed by #43. I think LL was concerned for her safety, and frankly with good reason. The even numbers don’t stop with the volume either it also is applied, but not limited to: lists, consuming candy / nuts / or other small snack, the frequency in which I repeat words for emphasis, pumping gas, the number of creamers in my coffee, and of course cupcakes.

2 – When I turn off the shower water before I can get out I have to put it on cold and stick my foot under the facet. There is an actual law that states “one must not exit the shower with hot or warm water being the last thing that one feels.” If you’re not interested in being arrested you better start doing this too. If however, you live outside the boundaries of It’s-All-In-NE’s-Head County then you’re in the clear. Phew!

3 – I don’t take wrapping presents lightly. My corners have to be impeccable; we’re talking perfect angels and straight-straight folds. If you see a gift that’s missing a card but the wrapping looks a little off don’t even dare think about looking my direction for this gift-giver’s identity! I’ve been known to punch people out of pure offense. Sometimes I wear myself out and I’ll go with the gift bag just to save the hassle. You’d think I’d be against it, but I know myself all too well. If I don’t have the time to do it up right I have to skip the wrapping all together! If I didn’t we’d have a lot more*** people close to me with bruises and black eyes.

4 – Holy shit, I almost broke out into a sweat just now because I forgot what #4 was and I was going to have to make something up so that this list was an even number, but I just remembered thank God, THANK GOD. You know when you see someone in a movie, ad, or other pop culture medium and they look SO familiar but you just can’t place them? You know when you have a person’s name on the tip of your tongue but for the life of you it’s just not coming out? It is instances like these that will lead me though hell and high water**** to remember the answer no matter what it takes. I am 86% sure that IMDB was invented for me and my cohorts. I don’t remember what I used to do without it! I will pretend to be engaged in full on conversations all the while this is what’s going on in my head: “Where the eff have I see that girl in the Progressive commercial before? Was she in that one episode of Saved By The Bell? No, that’s not it, UUUGGGHHHH. I can picture her at an office. What was it? What was it?!” Then suddenly my boss is asking me when my proposal is due and I yell out “SHE WAS A SECRETARY IN A FEW MAD MEN EPISODES, SEASON ONE!”

Now that I’m reviewing this brief list I don’t think this is as big of a problem as I thought. I mean, nothing is wrong with liking things a certain way, right? I think these types of people prove to be smart and organized. Who doesn’t like brains and things in their place?! There is SOOOO nothing wrong with that right? RIGHT!? Good, I’m so glad that we’re on the same page. You’re the best, BlogReader.


Love,
Don’tYouWorryAboutMeI’veGotItUnderControl

*By boat I clearly mean a Diddy style yacht. If you were thinking canoe you can put that right out of your head.
**I know it’s not the popular opinion but I love Ed and think his green shorts are HOT. It must be because he’s from Chicago.
***Notice I said “more” here which implies there are already SOME people around me who have already suffered bruises or black eyes. To The BF: sorry about that slug to the arm on Friday night, but you got crazy.
****Hell and High Water = googling, texting, calling, or finally remembering and yelling out the answer at inappropriate times. To The BF: sorry about that too. I’m even sorrier that it was the name of a METS player . . . I mean clearly I’m a Yankees fan.

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Open Mouth, Insert Foot.

If you’re anything like me you often find you have a case of verbal (or textual) diarrhea and you rarely think before you start blurting things out. No worries kids, I’m here to help. . . next time you find yourself in one of these common situations here is a list of what NOT to say . . . I’ll let you guess which lessons I learned firsthand and which gems are from others:

1.
Sitch: Making out with your boyfriend . . .
What NOT to say: Your Moo-Staush is going in my nose a little.

2.
Sitch: Your boss asks you for gum . . .
What NOT to say: I have MINTADOODLE!

3.
Sitch: Trying to dance with someone . . .
What NOT to say: Don’t worry I’m sweaty everywhere except my butt.

4.
Sitch: Expressing your opinion on a family member’s significant other. . .
What NOT to say: I effing hate that bitch. She’s never going to fit in!

5.
Sitch: Trying to keep that time that one girl made out with that cowboy on the DL . . .
What NOT to say: YEEEEHHHHAAAWW [whilst pointing]

6.
Sitch: Asking your brother where his girlfriend is when she’s in ear shot . . .
What NOT to say: Is she done taking a duce yet?

If you’d like help remembering these handy tips, I’m taking orders for wallet cards now. Only $2.46 a piece, plus tax.

Monday, July 6, 2009

Y-OH-Y

Why oh why does this particular birthday girl rock so hard you ask? Let me list 22 reasons in honor of the start to the 22nd year of her life:

1. We’re related and I love her.
2. She’s loud. [Basically a prerequisite for #1]
3. She sings along to songs. Queen? Check. Journey? Check.
4. She hearts reality TV.
5. She provides a lot of good gossip.
6. She’s young but wise.
7. She can wear the shit out of some door knocker earrings.
8. She’s as loyal as they get.
9. She pays for you if you’re broke.
10. She can quote “Friends” and “Can’t Hardly Wait” like no one’s business.
11. She’s a real smart cookie.
12. She’s always game for drinks.
13. She’s motivated even though she may not always think so.
14. She’s modest and patient, characteristics I could learn from.
15. She pretty much always lets me borrow clothes and accessories.
16. She’s appreciative.
17. She loves naps aka “lay downs”.
18. She’s HILARIOUS.
19. She always helps make new words or phrases happen. “Palab.”
20. She can keep things on the DL when necessary.
21. She is hands down one of the best writers I know.
22. She inspires me.

Year One

Dear TheBF,
It’s official. For exactly 12 months / 365 days / 8,760 hours / 525,600 minutes* you’ve been my amazing BF and I’ve been . . .lucky.

Who knew after a night of ass shaking, cocktails, and meeting some of my favorite family members we’d finally have “the talk” and start the relationship that I didn’t quite realize then, I’d want to be in for all of my days.

I had a long letter written out about “remember this” and “remember that” but I decided to scrap it. I quickly found whilst drafting this letter last week that no matter what I said, I felt like I was either leaving something out or I couldn’t find the exact words I needed. ME. Not having words?! It’s inconceivable, I know. I couldn’t figure out why I was unable to draft a heartfelt, witty letter with just the right balance of sap and sass. It seems as though that’d be something right up my alley – I majored in sass!

Why now, on this important occasion was I having trouble? I always LOVE the letters and lists I come up with, I’m pretty much my own biggest fan! I don’t understand why the wit wasn’t flowing . . . Had I run out of words? Nah, that’s silly. Was it just writer’s block? Nope, I wrote lots of funny emails last week. Was the pressure of the Year One letter getting the best of me? Heck no, there’s not a drop of sweat on this brow! THEN IT HIT ME. . . I couldn’t find the words I wanted because I’d never used them before, they were foreign words if you will. Obviously, one can’t expect to just walk into a foreign country and whip up an effortless letter in a language one knows not of.**

The words I know I want to use are ones I don’t quite know how to. Never before have I wanted to so perfectly express how much someone means to me because no one has ever meant as much as you do. I’m in love with you. You’re my boyfriend, one of my best friends, and my future. . . I’m nothing but excited to continue figuring out exactly what that entails. Happy One Year Anniversary, Babe.

Love Always,
YourGF

PS – Thank you for the flowers, deliveries at work are the bomb diggity!

*that IS in fact how I measure a year.
** that sentence was fancy.