Monday, March 16, 2009

You tricky little. . .

Dear LittleGirlWhoMadeMeLookLikeAJackAss,

I liked that polk-a-dot hat you wore to mass on Sunday, it went especially well with your sandals that had cute rhinestones on them. Do you know if they’re available in adult sizes? I must say, whilst your ensemble was quite enjoyable your attitude and actions left a bit to be desired.

You seem to be incapable of sitting still or looking forward. You insisted on whining about nothing for a good 14 minutes while your mom ignored you. This sucked. It made me want to punch the pew in hopes this would scare you into not moving or making noise. The picture you colored that kept you busy for only 18 seconds wasn’t even worthy of hanging on a fridge. Not even a dirty abandoned fridge people keep outside. That’s right I said it . . . and I’d say it again. Normally I would give you kudos for the attempt, but you were acting like a shit, so I’m not even going to sugar coat those lame pencil scribbles.

For a moment you had me tricked into thinking maybe you weren’t the devil-who-took-little-girl-form-and-came-to-mass-to-distract-me-from-the-good-Word. You smiled and I smiled back. You winked, so I winked. I had you all wrong, you’re not a pain in the ass, you’re just a kid trying to get through a long ass morning at church. I feel for you little girl, I used to be you! I would get bribed with the promise of popsicles if I just sat still long enough without ripping a hole through my itchy tights. I remembered if I made it to the “peace be with you” I was home free, because this was the last stretch before we could leave. Mmmm, popsicle time!

BUT I WAS WRONG. You smiled again and again I reciprocated. Then you made a weird scrunchy face so I did the same. I saw you point at me and say to your mom that you love me. Holy crap, that’s serious. Then you turned back around and stuck your tongue out at me something fierce. WTF kid? I thought we were friends! I’m not going to stand by and do nothing, so I stuck my tongue out right back at you like any other grown woman would do.

Wouldn’t you know that it was that exact moment your mom finally decided to pay attention to you and turn to see who you pointed at moments earlier. Of course she turned only to see me standing there tongue out giving her daughter a stare down. Son. Of. A. Bitch. Now I’m an asshole. I see the snicker on your face, you know what you’ve done.

Way to teach me a lesson, perhaps I should act my age. This has further solidified my opinion of only being fond of kids I know, all you other brats can suck it.

Love,
IHopeItsOkayToTellAKidToSuckIt

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