Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Got TO DO, Got TO DO with it.

Dear BlogReaders,
Did you know I’m pretty much obsessed with all things lists? I KNOW, it’s like brand new information right? I like keeping you on your toes.

Anywhosie, if you are also a lover of the lists check out this website: TEUX DEUX

For my phonetically challenged readers that’s a tricky way to spell “to do”. Getting organized is already on our list of resolutions for 2010 right?

Love,
ALetterAboutListsIsLikeChristmasComingEarly

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

To Santa

Dear JollyOldStNicholas,
I think you’ll find that this letter proves to be fairly different than most you receive. I’m not going to ask you for a Red Rider BB Gun, EasyBake Oven, Barbie, Wii, or any other toy. In fact I’m not even going to ask for Dior, Chole, Balenciaga, Louboutin, or any of the luxuries that make my heart skip a beat. What I am going to do is make some suggestions on how your Christmas Eve deliveries can be more efficient:

1. Make sure the reindeers are full of protein so they have a lot of energy and don’t poop out right after Nantucket (that’s right Comet, the others complained you weren’t pulling your weight).
2. Don’t let Prancer drink too much cider, all those bathroom breaks slow you down.
3. You really don’t have to stop and eat ALL off the cookies and milk. Trust me moms and dads will cover for you with the kiddos.
4. Speaking of the cookies Mr. Kringle, if you’re belly had only ½ a bowl of jelly I think it would serve you well. Besides, who the hell picks jelly over jam anyways? Imagine a tummy that shakes like a bowl full of yummy. Yummy JAM that is.
5. Take away Vixen’s cell phone – you almost took out a whole skyscraper coming in for a landing because of the texting while flying. Safety first!
6. Make sure Rudolph’s nose is all charged up, we don’t want a repeat of 2004’s “LightsOut” fiasco.

Hopefully you’ll take these tips to heart, I know you’re the professional but all of us have room for improvement!

Love,
PleasePutMeOnTheNiceList

PS – Check the comments section, my enjoycicle readers may have left additional suggestions for you.

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Blah-g (and some goals).

As I’m sure you’ve ascertained by a month long hiatus, I have been absent from my blog. I know you’re expecting me to give you all the reasons why I haven’t managed to compose any Letters and/or Lists, but I’m not going to. I’m guessing reading about how I was working late and busy doesn’t sound like much fun. You know what does sound like fun!? These two new goals I’ve set for myself:

Goal 1: Lure cute dogs over to me (puppies are bonus).
How? By doing a dog luring jig (and promising doggy treats).
Why? Attaining dogs for petting and overall enjoyment (duh).
No’s: Carrying a big purse whilst luring (this evidently makes pet owners nervous that you’re going to steal).
Status: Not so good. While I did have LL help me perfect the jig technique (evidently even dogs need to be romanced), I have yet to lure any dogs that I didn’t already know. My dog Bradshaw that lives at my parents house was pretty into it but that’s because he already loves me. I did sort of lure one of my grandparent’s dogs, but I think that was more because of the beef jerky and less because of the jig. The quest continues. . .

Goal 2: Become a NY Yankee’s Butt Tapper (as in “good game Derek” tap-a-doodle on the rear).
How? Figure out where to apply (and get good references).
Why? Butt Tappers get to go to all the games and are on TV (plus I’d get to move to the concrete jungle where dreams are made of).
No’s: Succumbing to my Freeze-Up-And-Act-Like-A-Dufus-Around-Celebrities Disease (it’s a serious issue, I need professional help).
Status: Less than awesome, but I may have found an “in” (read: I’ve got nothing). At brunch a few weeks ago there was a lady with her jack russell terrier puppy (no I didn’t lure him, YET). This lady said that the puppy’s lineage traced back to Kurt Russell and Goldie Hawn’s dog who is obviously friends with Kate Hudson, who is dating Alex Rodriguez, who probably has a say in who taps his butt! That said, all I have to do is find that lady, lure her dog, become friends with it, meet it’s family, become friends with the family, get invited over to Kurt and Goldie’s for some sort of dog party, meet Kate, become friends with her, go on a double date with her and Alex, tap Alex's butt (perhaps after he makes a joke and say “good one” at the same time), Alex will then undoubtably talk to the Steinbrenners about my awesome technique and BAM! I have the job! In my estimation I’ll be packing up and moving in no time flat.

As you can see I have a lot of work to do, I’ll keep you updated on my progress.

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Come Fly With Me, Let’s Fly, Let’s Fly Away.

Dear PeopleWhoLoveBeingInTheKnow,
Have you ever heard of Scoopfactory? It’s quite an enjoyable daily email that gives you great info on events, dining, fashion and more . . . I’m endorsing for the following reasons:

1. It’s written with wit and cleverness, 2 of my favorite things.

2. I like being in the loop on important happs, and duh they give you the scoop.

3. They have contests all the time where you can win fun stuff. I just entered for a $200 Barney’s gift card last week and all you have to do is send them an email to enter, no giving out info for marketing junk. (I’m allowed to say “marketing junk” since I’m a bonafide marketer.)

4. Today’s email had a funny bit about the Yankees in it, and as evidence by my recent blogs (and a dream I had last night featuring Mark Teixeira, weird.) I’m a fan! Here’s a sample copied from today's Scoop. . .

Straight Trippin’
Steve Miller left on a jet plane. We’re leaving on a really discounted Southwest flight.

Airline flight sales are hardly worth it when you discover all the concessions (we’re not talking in-flight snacks, we mean redeyes, black out dates, alternative airports). But when
Southwest has a sale, it’s usually easy and honest. There’s only about 48 hours left for the big 4th Quarter Sale, with one-ways priced between $25 and $100. The deals are good for travel between Dec. 2-16, 2009 and Jan. 5-Feb. 10, 2010. That’s right, Vegas for about a hundy. New York for about dos.

Speaking of New York, tonight is Game One of the World Series between the Phillies and the Yanks. If you know any Philly fans who are heading to NYC for those games, you may want to offer them a little advice: Stay at the Hotel Indigo in Chelsea. Why? The place is offering a “Drown Your Sorrows” package for Philly fans only: when their team loses the World Series (”As expected,” says the hotel), guests will receive a free bottle of Perrier-Jouet Champagne to help offer them more false hope in life. They must show a game ticket and valid Philly ID. Rooms start around $450 for tonight and tomorrow. Click
here for more info.

Way to go Hotel Indigo - that's classic! Don't you want to enjoy these tid bits too? Go to Scoopfactory and sign up. . . you can thank me later. Okay fine, now is good too . . . YOU'RE WELCOME.

Love,
GoogleJustKilledMyMarkTiexieraDreamByTellingMeHeHasAWife&Kids

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Swooning for Sweets

Dear MagnoliaBakery,
I wish I had one of your delicious cupcakes right NOW. Unfortunately, I just have to live vicariously through my former self, so not the same. How did I not get a money shot of the actual cupcakes?! Damn camera:

You are the bee’s knees, the dog’s tuxedo, the champagne’s bubbles, the alcoholic’s gin, the banana’s peel . . . I could go on but I’m pretty sure you get the idea.

Love,
JustAnotherReasonIShouldBeInNYC

Monday, October 26, 2009

Awesome Blossom

Things I’m currently finding particularly enjoyable today:

1. YANKEES ARE GOING TO THE WORLD SERIES!!

2. Jay-Z is performing my FAVORITE BP3 song in Yankee Stadium on Wednesday. . . wish I could be there again!

3. Apple & Bee bags . . . the website might be one of the cutest things I’ve ever seen! I really need to go to Australia, but since I can’t afford that at the moment, I’ll have to save my dollars and purchase online.

4. MILES! Don't be nervous, I'm not giving into the peer pressure.

Happy Monday, Kids.

Friday, October 23, 2009

My mind is a sponge.

You know how they* say you learn something new every day? Well it’s been 10 days since I’ve last blogged and I know you’re just dying to find out what I’ve learned since then, don’t worry I won’t keep you in suspense. Seriously stop freaking out, just keep reading and you’ll find everything your heart desires . . .sheesh, impatient much!?

In no particular order:

1. My mom prefers being addressed by her first name instead of “mom” or any variation thereof. She’ll lie and tell you she doesn’t, but really she loves it. It makes her feel like her kids are sophisticated and wise**

2. If Yankees pitcher Mariano Rivera had a baby*** with Jackie Chan it would be my bff’s husband:

3. Completing a corn maze in 100 degree weather is a sure fire way to feel like poo for the rest of the afternoon. . . Don’t do it.

4. LL and I don’t take advantage of our Costco membership often enough. If you give them a mere dollar they give you a CHURRO in exchange . . . holy-warm-cinnamon-stick that’s a freaking good DEAL!

5. If I had as many blog readers as blogs I read I’d have a pretty popular blog. I need a PofA**** to accomplish this!

6. The word BLOG comes from the phrase “web log” am I the only one who this is news to? Similarly, the word ELRBBON***** comes from the phrase “NE Loves Ribbon” which I have a suspicion will be new-news to most.

7. Toodle-oo is the way all the cool kids are saying goodbye (aka peace out) these days. Trust me, you’ll want to start doing it too, not only is it fun, but it’s also pretty close to the word doodle, so what’s not to like?

8. My cousins H&MThePeopleNotTheStore cooked up one cute baby, here is proof******:

9. Concrete samples aren’t chocolate! This lesson was tough as I could have sworn I saw a Godiva bag sitting at our reception desk last night. Alas when I stuck my hand in for a treat I only found concrete. (I’m a poet and you didn’t know it.)

10. Bumble bee is the best transformer and Optimus Prime is really just a robot zombie.

At this rate of learning it’s a wonder I don’t keel over from pure exhaustion!

*who exactly is THEY? I’d like to know because “they” seem to know a lot of helpful shit. I imagine she is one of “they” since she learns things all the time.
**NOT to be confused with OLD and wise. Do you love getting punched? Then go ahead and confuse the two.
***What do you mean you’ve never played
SSP?! Get on the bandwagon!
****Plan of Action
*****Pronounced “eller-bin”
******Further proof to be obtained this weekend when I finally get to meet the kid!

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

I got your number, 8-6-7-5-3-0-9.

Dear JB,
So glad you were able to come down so we could all celebrate with you. Thanks for all your help again this year . . . You’re the best{est}.

Have an amazing day and fabulous year to come . . . 27 (although an odd number) is pretty nice, enjoy it!

Love,
NE

Thursday, October 8, 2009

Pinktober: Shop for a cure!

There are so many great products that hit shelves in support of Breast Cancer Awareness month . . . below are just a few. Get your wallets out and help save those tatas!

1. Red Envelope
That circle necklace is adorable – and I love it in gold.

2. The Spoon Sisters
I’ve been lusting over those flower nesting bowls since last year.

3. Shop Komen
Who DOESN’T need a hot pink boa?!

4. New Balance
It’s time for new tennis shoes, and these are the way to go.

5. Sephora
Fab eye lashes whilst supporting a cure? Check!

6. Target
Cookies and Breast Cancer Awareness . . . put your hands together.

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Play Ball

Dear BronxBombers,
Hey buddies, how’s it going? Hope you enjoyed recent time off, I have no doubt you’re uber prepared for the Playoffs starting tonight.

Remember how fun it was when I went to see your new place back in May? Quite the digs! Remember how you were playing the Twins just like tonight? Gomez is such a bitch. Remember how it was bottom of the 9th with 2 outs, bases loaded, and we were about to lose the game? I put that rally cap on - way to win it fellas!

Let’s go Yankees!

Love,
DontJudgeMyNewFoundLoveOfTheYankeesJustBecauseItsThanksToThisGuy

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Things that make you say “UGH!”: Part 2

Luckily after I wrote Part 1 I found an episode of The Rachel Zoe Project on the DVR and my mood improved dramatically. BUT as not to disappoint and leave my list unfinished, here are my pet peeves Part 2 . . . starting right where we left off:

5. Not waving when someone lets you in.
I think a manners course should be instituted into driver’s education. One that teaches people (young and old) that the polite thing to do when someone let’s you in, let’s you over, let’s you out, or let’s you-do-anything-you-need-to-by-taking-the-time-to-consciously-break-and-make-way-for-you-and-your-vehicle is to give a little wave acknowledging they just made your life easier. I ALWAYS WAVE. I will go so far as to roll my window down and furiously shake my hand out the window to ensure the other driver sees me and knows that I KNOW that he/she is a lovely person who I appreciate. Do I look like a dufus? Yes. Do I think that’s worse than not waving? NO! I get so mad when people don’t wave, it’s like giving someone a present and in return they do nothing. They don’t say thanks, they don’t look at you, and they don’t even acknowledge that you had anything to do with the new found gift in their lap. It’s like the gift recipient is so cocky and self absorbed that they think they were entitled to the gift, it was something they earned and it’s about time they got it. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! We’re all in a hurry folks, no more so than when driving. Just put your hand up and WAVE damn it. UGH!

6. Incorrect place settings.

I don’t know who your grandparents are, by mine used to own a restaurant and by golly, I know how to properly set a table! I’m not suggesting that if you don’t set a table that’s an issue. I hardly ever do a proper table setting. BUT when I do get my fancy pants on you better believe everything has a place and everything is in its place! Here’s the issue I have – if you’re going to take the time to set a table you need to do it right otherwise don’t do it at all. Not doing it is a great option to avoid this mess. NO, the fork does not go on the right! YES, it’s important for the blades of the knife to be facing inward towards the plate! Come on people, it’s not that hard. Plus once you learn, it’s like riding a bike and each Thanksgiving when you get table setting duty you’ll be prepared. Otherwise, if you happen to be one of my younger cousins on my mother’s side of the family I will not hesitate to yell at you then make you fix everything one by one. UGH!

7. Bikes that think they’re cars.
Calling all bike riders: If there is a bike lane and you’re using it then you’re a gem*. IF there is a bike lane and you decide to get into regular traffic even during a left hand turn because you’re wearing your spandex and that somehow qualifies you to drive with motorized vehicles then you are a DOUCHE. You are NOT A CAR. You are a BIKE. Why aren’t you driving in the designated bike areas? Why do you insist on getting in the way of traffic? Do you want someone to run into you today? Get out of the way jackass. UGH!

8. Family stick figures.

We’ve all seen these pieces of crap . . . they’re the “cutesy” white decals that go on the back of SUVs, mini-vans, or other family trucksters. They let you know how many people are in the family, if they’re boys, if they’re girls, if they’re cats, if they’re dogs, if they’re ANNOYING AS ALL GET OUT. I cannot stand these decals! Stick figures, flip flops, pieces of poop . . . I don’t care what shape they take, they are awful! I don’t need to know if Jimmy is older than Susie and thereby has a slightly taller figurine. I don’t need to know if your family is comprised of 2 cats and one dog. I don’t need to know if you have 3 boys and only 1 girl. I DON’T CARE . . . yet I’m undoubtedly forced to take a little peek into your family because you’re stuck in front of me during rush hour. It’s hard to say what it is exactly that drives me nuts about these decals, and I’m sure some of the decal owners are very nice people. BUT so help me GOD, if said decaled vehicle driving with its top down windows up, doesn’t know how to merge, has someone’s feet on the dash, and I let them over without so much as a wave. . . I’M GOING TO LOSE MY SHIT LIKE A SHIT COLLECTOR WITH AMNESIA. UGH!

*not to be confused with Jem . . . although if riding a bike in a bike lane did somehow make you Jem I would buy myself a Schwinn and go to town! She had killer outfits and THAT WOULD BE THE BEST DAY!

Monday, October 5, 2009

Pinktober: Touch those boobies!

Except for skin cancers, breast cancer is the most common cancer in women, but it can be successfully treated. Screening tests can find cancer early, when it’s most treatable.

Susan G. Komen for the Cure® recommends that you:

1. Know your risk
Talk to your family to learn about your family health history
Talk to your provider about your personal risk of breast cancer

2. Get screened
Ask your doctor which screening tests are right for you if you are at a higher risk
Have a mammogram every year starting at age 40 if you are at average risk
Have a clinical breast exam at least every 3 years starting at 20, and every year starting at 40

3. Know what is normal for you
See your health care provider right away if you notice any of these breast changes:
Lump, hard knot or thickening
Swelling, warmth, redness or darkening
Change in the size or shape of the breast
Dimpling or puckering of the skin
Itchy, scaly sore or rash on the nipple
Pulling in of your nipple or other parts of the breast
Nipple discharge that starts suddenly
New pain in one spot that doesn’t go away

4. Make healthy lifestyle choices
Maintain a healthy weight
Add exercise into your routine
Limit alcohol intake
*Image found HERE

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Things that make you say “UGH!”: Part 1

According to the ALWAYS reliable Wikipedia . . . “A pet peeve is a minor annoyance that an individual identifies as particularly annoying to them, to a greater degree than others may find it.” By definition this could really incorporate a wide range of items depending on who you are i.e. Apollo College, VanTrans, saying “get-er-done” just to name a few.

Sometimes pet peeves are reasonable and folks easily understand why they drive you nuts, but other times they’re random and don’t make much sense outside of your own head. You can judge my list to see which category they land in:

1. Top down windows up.
Okay so technically I don’t have a convertible since the plan to obtain my high school dream car never came to fruition. BUT this is one thing that I can’t get on board with. You have your top DOWN but your windows UP. . . WTF? I don’t buy the whole “it keeps the wind off me” bit because if you were someone that didn’t want wind on you THEN YOU’D HAVE YOUR FREAKING TOP UP OR NOT DRIVE A CONVERTIBLE AT ALL. UGH!

2. Feet on the dash.
No, no, no, no this is never okay! As a fellow driver I do NOT want to see your feet up on the dash or worse yet hanging out a window. It’s GROSS and inconsiderate of other drivers’ eyes. I’ve tried turning to check a blind spot only to find a pair of gangly feet chilling on the dash of the car next to me . . . DISGUSTING! FEET BELONG OUT OF SITE WHILST IN A CAR. UGH!

3. Being a dick during a merge.
You know they type. . . they’re the ones who drive up through the median instead of merging like everyone else just to get 1 car further than they would have if they weren’t a DOUCHE. I despise these people because they always get away with it. They put other drivers in a situation where they either have to let the douche in or elect to have the douche hit them because there is now nowhere else to go. DON’T BE A DOUCHE. . . merge one by one just like everyone else on the planet. There is no where you need to be that a 1 car difference is going to make or break you – trust me the Ed Hardy store will still be open when you pull up. To help do my part against these jack asses I will position my car right in the middle of the lane/median area to say GET BACK YOU’RE NOT PASSING ME YOU PIECE OF POO. UGH!

4. Saying “could” care less.
The saying is COULDN’T CARE LESS as in you could NOT care any less. Let’s think about this for a moment . . . when used, the phrase is expressing the amount of care you do NOT have for something. If you COULD care less then obviously you don’t care as little as possible because a lower level of care is available. If you COULDN’T care less that’s the all time lowest amount of care you could give, you’re at the bottom of the care scale, the care has run out, there is no more care to go around, and you so strongly DON’T care for something that you are physically incapable of feeling any lower amount of care than you’re currently experiencing. THAT is a STRONG saying that means something! When you use “could care less” it’s a dumbass saying that means nothing! UGH!

I’m so fired up right now thinking about these things that I can’t go on! I need to go watch some reality TV to make myself feel better about the world. This list is TBC. . .

Sunday, September 27, 2009

Something I'd never thought I'd be writing a letter to

DearMooStaushOnAStick,
I’m in love with you. I need you to be a part of my life! I don’t have words to express how much I want and NEED you! Let’s just look at all the ways you ROCK!

Okay, yes many of these images are from weddings. Don’t get nervous MooStaush, I’m not trying to drop a hint to anyone, I just happen to love parties, weddings, and all fun events by evidence of my blog roll. And you know what would make any event or day more fun?! YOU!

I would like to take this opportunity to issue a fair warning to my future groom, bridesmaids, groomsmen, mom, dad, dog, neighbor, roommate, friends, cousins, babies, and basically anyone I get in contact with: I will make you take a picture with a MooStaush On-A-Stick at some point and it will kick ass! Now if only I was related to a photographer . . .

Love,
IHaveAnUnhealthyObsessionWithSayingMooStaush

Thursday, September 24, 2009

Old-A-Lady

Well kids it’s official, I’M GETTING OLD. I tried to ignore, avoid, deny, and lie. . . but the fact is I am in indeed [hold your breath] 28. WHOA, that’s harsh to see in black and white.

I know what you’re thinking - “You’re not old, you’re a strong young pup who isn’t even 30 yet!”

I mean obvs I’m nowhere near being over the hill. Frankly I haven’t even started climbing it yet, I’m just chilling at the base with a picnic of watermelon and wine. BUT my watermelon is getting down to the rind and the wine box is almost empty which means I’m not going to be able to avoid this hill of age much longer. In fact, it’s recently come to my attention there are some tell tale signs that I AM OLD. . . and these are television related which means they’re practically written in stone:
1. The Cosby Show is younger than I am.
Did you realize the Cosby Show started in 1984? THE COSBY SHOW . . . think about that. It’s been around as long as you can remember right?! WRONG. It’s only 25, which means it’s just now is enjoying lower insurance rates that I’ve been taking advantage of for 3 years already!

2. Nick At Nite I hate you.
I used to stay up late to catch I Love Lucy on Nick at Nite . . . I would always be stoked to see what type of tomfoolery Lucy would get herself in to. I remember my mom would say “oh I’ve seen this one a million times” when it was all brand new to me. DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT THEY SHOW NOW?! The Fresh Prince of Bel Air, Home Improvement, Family Matters, and The Nanny just to name a few! I remember watching those shows when they were NEW. I used to record the Nanny of VHS! VH-mother-effing-S! Kids these days have no idea what it’s like to not have a DVR. If shows you used to watch when they were NEW are now on Nick At Nite there’s no way you’re young.

3. My favorite Friends.
I love Friends, I’m obsessed really. I have almost every season and I quote it daily. . . no really, check the title of this blog for just one example. Whilst relaxing up north this weekend (you know, like a granny) I was watching the one where Rachel is trying to impress Joshua (what he doesn’t like Josh? NO, I don’t) by putting on her cheerleading uniform from High School. Silly Rachel I thought, she’s WAY too old for this type of behavior. Do you know how old she was in that episode?! She was a 28 year old cheerleader with a fat lip! That’s MY age, CRAP. At this rate if I keep watching the seasons over and over soon I’ll be older than them. SO NOT ACCEPTABLE.

4. Alex Mack!
Hold on to your butts, you’ll never believe this awesome information I’m about to share with you . . . my dear friend HH’s uncle was the dad on Alex Mack?! I KNOW RIGHT! That is like the coolest degree of separation ever! Or at least it used to be . . . I swear people’s eyes would bug out in jealousy when I shared this info. I remember slugging HH in excitement and yelling “SHUT THE EFF UP” at her when I first hear the news. But now? Now people have no idea what I’m even talking about half the time because they’re too damn young to remember. UGH. I can’t even exert the energy it takes to link you to Alex Mack so you can find out what it is. Frankly, whippersnappers if you don’t know, then you don’t deserve to. Also, turn down that crazy music!

I need to go drink some tea and take a nap now . . . my hip hurts.

Saturday, September 5, 2009

I. AM. THE. CURE.

DearCaptiveBlogReaders,
It’s almost that time of year. . . October is around the corner, and with it comes the 17th Annual Susan G. Komen Phoenix Race for the Cure! This year’s Race takes place on Sunday, October 11th and will once again be held at the State Capitol District in downtown Phoenix.

I am reaching out to you on behalf of the I AM THE CURE sub-committee and we once again need your help on Race day! If you’re interested in being a volunteer (individuals or groups) please leave me a comment with some way to get a hold of you (email is best) and I’d be happy to send you more details! You can also help by forwarding this info on to anyone you may know who’d like to get involved. . . friends, family, co-workers, etc. Better yet, re-post the details (or I AM THE CURE the button to your right) on your blog too!

I look forward to seeing you on Race Day!

Love,
DoingMyPartToBeTheCure

PS - I AM THE CURE is a breast health program from the Susan G. Komen Race for the Cure that teaches people simple steps they need to know to take charge of their breast health. It speaks to the importance of early detection and provides simple, action-oriented chants that Race participants can take home and put into action. These chants, and the simple steps that lead to early detection, will come to life as more than a million Komen Race for the Cure participants make I AM THE CURE.® their rallying cry on Race day.

Friday, September 4, 2009

Is that the sound of angels singing?

DearBlogPostThatBroughtTearsToMyEyes,
I think I just figured out what HEAVEN looks like. . .

Thank you to Design*Sponge for this little peak into the world of Studio Choo. You literally took my breath away. . . don’t worry though it was only for a few seconds and I’m back to breathing now. If you really feel the need to send fire fighter's to check me out though, I'm available at work for mouth-to-mouth until 5:30pm today. Otherwise call my cell and I'll let you know where you can find me.

Love,
INeedToVisitTheRibbonerieLikeNow

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Pumpkin LOVE.

Dear Starbucks,
THANK YOU. THIS IS THE BEST DAY!

I heart Pumpkin Spiced Lattes and I’m stoked they’re back in stores! This signifies the beginning of the best time of year where I can find pumpkin flavored everything just about everywhere. HOT DAMN, I’m ready to say PEACE OUT to summer and HELLO to fall. Woot!

Love,
IfItWasn’tFrownedUponIdEatPumpkinPieForEveryMeal

Thursday, August 27, 2009

Making Headlines

A brief list of news stories that peaked my interest, thanks Phoenix Business Journal!

1. Revolution debuts Pink Grapefruit to fight breast cancer
2. Sprinkles Cupcakes goes red for Cardinals
3. Pink Pony ends 61-year run
4. Report: Twitter business product expected this year

Just in case you’re too lazy to click the links, here’s the jist: I think you should get a new twitter page for your business that supports breast cancer whilst drowning your sorrows about the closing of Pink Pony over Sprinkles Cupcakes that support Matty and the rest of the team.

It’s like these news stories were meant just for me and my crew!

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Green with Envy.


Check THIS out. CLICK NOW! You know you want to! (photo credits go to this photographer). On to the list of REASONS WHY I'M JEALOUS:

1. It’s nothing I’d ever think of and it’s ADORABLE. I heart new ideas.
2. It’s eco-friendly. Recycled, local, organic, and DIY.
3. There’s a canoe. What’s not to like?!
4. And the pièce de résistance: JAM.

Sunday, August 16, 2009

Wales Vagina has the BEST stuff.

I’m not-so-secretly hoping a vacay trip to San Diego is in my near future. If that ends up being the case I NEED to go to here:

Architectural Salvage


Why you ask? Let this list of drool worthy pictures from Oh Joy Blog speak for themselves!

1. 2. 3. 4. 5.

6. 7. 8.9. 10.

Friday, August 14, 2009

From Me, To You

Dear AllThoseWho’sLettersIMightHaveForgotten,
Whoops! Let’s call it a wash and start with a clean slate . . .what do you say?

To YOU as applicable: Happy Birthday, Happy Anniversary, I love you, Congratulations, Way to Go, Get Better Soon, I Miss You, Just to Say Hi, From both of Us, etc.*

I mean each one of those sentiments to each one of you from the very bottom of my heart. No sarcasm here. I’m a lucky lady to have amazing people around me.

Thank you for being a part of my life!

Love,
Idon’tKnowWhatIWouldDoWithOutYou

*I couldn’t think of anymore Hallmark expressions but please take the “etc” to incorporate anything I may have missed.

Thursday, August 13, 2009

Roomie Time.

One would think when you live with someone you see them all the time . . . one could not be more wrong in thinking this. One could try . . . but they would not be successful.

When you’re a mover and shaker having a plethora of time with your roomie is rare. Between time out of town, time with family, time with boys, time house sitting, time at bars, time on blogs, time at work, time with friends, time planning events, and finally figuring out time to sleep . . . LL and I are just plum out of time! Hence, when a night comes along that we’re finally both around it’s something to take advantage of . . .last night we did just that and here’s what transpired:

1. I walked in later than expected and LL yelled at me because she was waiting. I maintain she didn’t mind the wait since it gave her a chance to catch up with the DVR.

2. I got stuck in the bathroom sans toilet paper and LL took advantage of the sitch by doing a dance with the toilet paper in the hall just out of my reach. This was less than enjoyable.

3. I rushed to change so we could leave and LL turned the tables so I had to wait 18 minutes whilst she finished watching “Rescue Me” further proving I was right with my assumption in #1.

4. We finally left and headed to the mall for some retail therapy. Please note – I use the term “mall” loosely here as we did not go to a socially acceptable place of retail. We went to Fiesta Mall which is disgusting. BUT it has a Forever 21 in it, so that’s how we’re able to justify the trip.

5. We didn’t get further than the parking lot before realizing why we don’t partake in this mall often. It stinks, the people are funky, it’s like a rap show in the parking lot, and there was a jungle gym outside with ratty kids on it. I prefer my shopping without snotty rug rats please.*

6. Clearly we made a BEE-line to 21 so LL could focus on finding an outfit that says “I’m hot, but not skanky.” Which also communicated “I love cardigans, but I’m not a grandma” and finally “I’m not just a hookup, but let’s hookup.” It’s quite the balance of ensembles.

7. Given the personnel at this particular Forever 21 location (read: Broomhilda in a mini skirt) we did not have any luck finding what we needed. Against our better judgment we ventured out into other stores of the mall. Looking for plastic stripper heals? I know a place. Interested in dressing like one of those plastic “homies” out of the quarter machine? I’ve got your ticket. Unfortunately, these stores didn’t quite add up to what LL was looking for.

8. As a last ditch effort we went into Express and low and behold it was like the heavens opened up in the form of sales racks! LL and I each found stripy cardigans on sale with an additional 40% off the already marked down price! If you know anything about me and my spending patterns you’ll know that the above mentioned cardigan is now very much a part of my life. I don’t pass up sales.

9. Cardi’s in hand we made one last trip through 21 on our way out to make sure we didn’t miss anything whilst being distracted by the less than desirable employees. We found nothing but our butts walking out the doors to the car.

10. By now it was long past dinner and we were starving so we headed over to Buffalo Wild Wings for some take out. This is where the 19 year old kid working took LL’s jokes as flirting and quickly decided she was his best bet meanwhile treating me like dog shit. We ordered the SAME thing – upon picking her dipping sauce the kid said “oh good choice that’s so delicious.” When I picked mine he said “fine be that way”. Her total was $8. He tried to charge me $17. WTF kid, I’ll snap you like a twig!

11. On the drive home we were discussing my recent trip to Grandma’s house and I came up with an ingenious new phrase! You may have realized instead of just saying “shit” (ie – I feel like shit, that looks like shit, it smells like shit) I like to get a little more specific and have been saying “dog shit” instead (ie – I feel like dog shit, that looks like dog shit, it smells like dog shit). I think it adds a little something extra. Evidently the apple doesn’t far fall from the tree, this weekend instead of saying “son of a bitch” my grandma said “shit of a bitch” which also adds a little pizzazz to a otherwise ordinary curse word. I started relaying this story and then screamed when I realized “shit of a bitch” MEANS DOG SHIT! OMG . . .NOW INSTEAD OF SAYING DOG SHIT I’M GOING TO SAY SHIT OF A BITCH (IE – I FEEL LIKE SHIT OF A BITCH, THAT LOOKS LIKE SHIT OF A BITCH, IT SMELLS LIKE SHIT OF A BITCH) THIS IS AWESOME! I might have yelled or squealed when I came up with this and LL might have peed her pants because she got scared. It doesn’t surprise me. We don’t call her LLWeeWee for nothing.

12. We got home, ate dinner, drank sangria, watch reality TV, and then busted out the JLo remix CD. Don’t judge you know you want to hear it now. LL danced, I unsuccessfully tried to twitpic it, we talked about our love for Ja Rule, and all in all it was a good night! Thanks LL, let’s find time to do it again soon.

*I enjoy kids I know but the ones I’m referring to here are a rare breed of Bebe’s kids which always ruin my day.

Monday, August 10, 2009

Too Little, Too Late.

You will notice that I have specifically indicated that I am NOT interested in my EX-husband winning me back. Despite this, he made some very good efforts this weekend:

1. He shocked me by showing up during my visit to Grandma’s house. He was all sexy and sans-shirt trying to woo me away from family time. PUH-LEEZ. Grandpa even invited him in and let him join us for a running time of approximately 124 minutes. Thank goodness Gramps didn’t ask him to dinner too.

2. When I got out of the shower this morning I heard a familiar voice, but I thought there was no way he’d stoop so low as to show up at The BF’s house. I cautiously took a look into the living room and what do I see?! That’s right, him again! Hanging out with The BF shooting this shit about golf and trying to be funny. This time he wasn’t alone, he brought a whole Entourage . . . the nerve!

Listen Mark, just in case you hit your head and forgot . . . this lady in white* isn’t me! We’re Dunzo. Now stop stalking me.


*nice dress, though.

Saturday, August 1, 2009

Splitsville.

That’s it, I’m getting a DIVORCE. Here are just SOME of the reasons why . . .

1. My husband acts like he doesn’t know I exist. THE NERVE!
2. I know for a fact he has a girlfriend on the side. UNBELIEVABLE!
3. He keeps knocking his girlfriend up. DAMN HIM!
4. He spends ZERO time with me. NOT COOL!
5. I can’t even remember the last time he took me out. WTF PUNK?
6. AND THE KICKER . . .HE’S GETTING MARRIED TO SOMEONE ELSE TODAY!!!!

That’s is Mark, we’re over. I’m not putting up with your shit anymore! If you want to bull shit someone go outside with your NEW wife and bull shit each other. Don’t bother trying to win me back, not even your Calvin’s can change my mind.



Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Oh See D.

Dear BlogReadersThatArePrettyMuchComprisedOfTheSixPeopleIForceToReadThis,

I’m NE, and I have OCD tendencies. [This is where you say “Hi NE” to your computer screen. I’ll wait . . .]

Oh, hello there, thank you for that lovely welcome!

It’s time to discuss a serious problem, but don’t worry step 1 is already complete – I’m admitting I’m powerless against this addiction. The bad news is that means there’s a decent chance I’m nuts; the good news is I’m not certifiable and my friends are in the same boat*. Maybe not ALL of my friends, but at least one for certain.

I know what you’re thinking “you’re not crazy NE” you’re calm, cool, and collected. But my friends, that’s all a charade. Not to be confused with playing charades although I do think that’s highly underrated – OOOHHH WE SHOULD HAVE A GAME NIGHT! I’ll bring the wine. Now should we do full on appetizers or just snacks? Let’s make sure we invite people that have less than average skills so it increases my chances of winning. Also, how do we feel about cold hard cash as a prize? Who will be in charge of putting up the money? NOT IT! Oh snap, bummer for you sucka. I was thinking $422.86 is reasonable, I’m sure you’ve got that tucked away somewhere. I’m a mover and shaker so my calendar fills up quickly. It’d be best if you could let me know your availability ASAP. Don’t be a rascal and wait to the last minute otherwise we can just forget about this whole thing right now. What other games do you think we should play? What’s that? PARCHEESI?! BlogReader, are you kidding me with this shit? Now if you said Uno I could get on board.

HOLD UP. I’m digressing, what was I talking about before this? I don’t understand why you insist on confusing me so! Damn it, let’s concentrate and move on to my original intent, the list . . .

Evidence that if I took a “Which FRIENDS Character Are You?” quiz the result would be Monica Gellar:

1 - Only even numbers allowed! I don’t know when this started but it’s serious. I HAVE to have the radio volume and TV volume on an even number AT ALL TIMES. A lovely guest joined LL and I for the finally of the Bachelorette** on Monday and I almost reached over and pulled the remote violently out of her hand when she put the TV on volume #37 followed by #43. I think LL was concerned for her safety, and frankly with good reason. The even numbers don’t stop with the volume either it also is applied, but not limited to: lists, consuming candy / nuts / or other small snack, the frequency in which I repeat words for emphasis, pumping gas, the number of creamers in my coffee, and of course cupcakes.

2 – When I turn off the shower water before I can get out I have to put it on cold and stick my foot under the facet. There is an actual law that states “one must not exit the shower with hot or warm water being the last thing that one feels.” If you’re not interested in being arrested you better start doing this too. If however, you live outside the boundaries of It’s-All-In-NE’s-Head County then you’re in the clear. Phew!

3 – I don’t take wrapping presents lightly. My corners have to be impeccable; we’re talking perfect angels and straight-straight folds. If you see a gift that’s missing a card but the wrapping looks a little off don’t even dare think about looking my direction for this gift-giver’s identity! I’ve been known to punch people out of pure offense. Sometimes I wear myself out and I’ll go with the gift bag just to save the hassle. You’d think I’d be against it, but I know myself all too well. If I don’t have the time to do it up right I have to skip the wrapping all together! If I didn’t we’d have a lot more*** people close to me with bruises and black eyes.

4 – Holy shit, I almost broke out into a sweat just now because I forgot what #4 was and I was going to have to make something up so that this list was an even number, but I just remembered thank God, THANK GOD. You know when you see someone in a movie, ad, or other pop culture medium and they look SO familiar but you just can’t place them? You know when you have a person’s name on the tip of your tongue but for the life of you it’s just not coming out? It is instances like these that will lead me though hell and high water**** to remember the answer no matter what it takes. I am 86% sure that IMDB was invented for me and my cohorts. I don’t remember what I used to do without it! I will pretend to be engaged in full on conversations all the while this is what’s going on in my head: “Where the eff have I see that girl in the Progressive commercial before? Was she in that one episode of Saved By The Bell? No, that’s not it, UUUGGGHHHH. I can picture her at an office. What was it? What was it?!” Then suddenly my boss is asking me when my proposal is due and I yell out “SHE WAS A SECRETARY IN A FEW MAD MEN EPISODES, SEASON ONE!”

Now that I’m reviewing this brief list I don’t think this is as big of a problem as I thought. I mean, nothing is wrong with liking things a certain way, right? I think these types of people prove to be smart and organized. Who doesn’t like brains and things in their place?! There is SOOOO nothing wrong with that right? RIGHT!? Good, I’m so glad that we’re on the same page. You’re the best, BlogReader.


Love,
Don’tYouWorryAboutMeI’veGotItUnderControl

*By boat I clearly mean a Diddy style yacht. If you were thinking canoe you can put that right out of your head.
**I know it’s not the popular opinion but I love Ed and think his green shorts are HOT. It must be because he’s from Chicago.
***Notice I said “more” here which implies there are already SOME people around me who have already suffered bruises or black eyes. To The BF: sorry about that slug to the arm on Friday night, but you got crazy.
****Hell and High Water = googling, texting, calling, or finally remembering and yelling out the answer at inappropriate times. To The BF: sorry about that too. I’m even sorrier that it was the name of a METS player . . . I mean clearly I’m a Yankees fan.

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Open Mouth, Insert Foot.

If you’re anything like me you often find you have a case of verbal (or textual) diarrhea and you rarely think before you start blurting things out. No worries kids, I’m here to help. . . next time you find yourself in one of these common situations here is a list of what NOT to say . . . I’ll let you guess which lessons I learned firsthand and which gems are from others:

1.
Sitch: Making out with your boyfriend . . .
What NOT to say: Your Moo-Staush is going in my nose a little.

2.
Sitch: Your boss asks you for gum . . .
What NOT to say: I have MINTADOODLE!

3.
Sitch: Trying to dance with someone . . .
What NOT to say: Don’t worry I’m sweaty everywhere except my butt.

4.
Sitch: Expressing your opinion on a family member’s significant other. . .
What NOT to say: I effing hate that bitch. She’s never going to fit in!

5.
Sitch: Trying to keep that time that one girl made out with that cowboy on the DL . . .
What NOT to say: YEEEEHHHHAAAWW [whilst pointing]

6.
Sitch: Asking your brother where his girlfriend is when she’s in ear shot . . .
What NOT to say: Is she done taking a duce yet?

If you’d like help remembering these handy tips, I’m taking orders for wallet cards now. Only $2.46 a piece, plus tax.

Monday, July 6, 2009

Y-OH-Y

Why oh why does this particular birthday girl rock so hard you ask? Let me list 22 reasons in honor of the start to the 22nd year of her life:

1. We’re related and I love her.
2. She’s loud. [Basically a prerequisite for #1]
3. She sings along to songs. Queen? Check. Journey? Check.
4. She hearts reality TV.
5. She provides a lot of good gossip.
6. She’s young but wise.
7. She can wear the shit out of some door knocker earrings.
8. She’s as loyal as they get.
9. She pays for you if you’re broke.
10. She can quote “Friends” and “Can’t Hardly Wait” like no one’s business.
11. She’s a real smart cookie.
12. She’s always game for drinks.
13. She’s motivated even though she may not always think so.
14. She’s modest and patient, characteristics I could learn from.
15. She pretty much always lets me borrow clothes and accessories.
16. She’s appreciative.
17. She loves naps aka “lay downs”.
18. She’s HILARIOUS.
19. She always helps make new words or phrases happen. “Palab.”
20. She can keep things on the DL when necessary.
21. She is hands down one of the best writers I know.
22. She inspires me.

Year One

Dear TheBF,
It’s official. For exactly 12 months / 365 days / 8,760 hours / 525,600 minutes* you’ve been my amazing BF and I’ve been . . .lucky.

Who knew after a night of ass shaking, cocktails, and meeting some of my favorite family members we’d finally have “the talk” and start the relationship that I didn’t quite realize then, I’d want to be in for all of my days.

I had a long letter written out about “remember this” and “remember that” but I decided to scrap it. I quickly found whilst drafting this letter last week that no matter what I said, I felt like I was either leaving something out or I couldn’t find the exact words I needed. ME. Not having words?! It’s inconceivable, I know. I couldn’t figure out why I was unable to draft a heartfelt, witty letter with just the right balance of sap and sass. It seems as though that’d be something right up my alley – I majored in sass!

Why now, on this important occasion was I having trouble? I always LOVE the letters and lists I come up with, I’m pretty much my own biggest fan! I don’t understand why the wit wasn’t flowing . . . Had I run out of words? Nah, that’s silly. Was it just writer’s block? Nope, I wrote lots of funny emails last week. Was the pressure of the Year One letter getting the best of me? Heck no, there’s not a drop of sweat on this brow! THEN IT HIT ME. . . I couldn’t find the words I wanted because I’d never used them before, they were foreign words if you will. Obviously, one can’t expect to just walk into a foreign country and whip up an effortless letter in a language one knows not of.**

The words I know I want to use are ones I don’t quite know how to. Never before have I wanted to so perfectly express how much someone means to me because no one has ever meant as much as you do. I’m in love with you. You’re my boyfriend, one of my best friends, and my future. . . I’m nothing but excited to continue figuring out exactly what that entails. Happy One Year Anniversary, Babe.

Love Always,
YourGF

PS – Thank you for the flowers, deliveries at work are the bomb diggity!

*that IS in fact how I measure a year.
** that sentence was fancy.

Tuesday, June 30, 2009

A Dozen Questions

I’ve been thinking lately. Not just regular thinking, some deep-philosopher-type-thinking. As a result, I have some important questions for which I do not have answers:

1. What is the Rock cooking?
2. Why do I always correlate Lara Linney and Holly Hunter together in my mind?
3. How do you solve a problem like Maria?
4. Is it time to go home yet?
5. Why don’t more people pronounce Mustache as “Moo-Staush”?
6. Am I going to have as much gray hair as my mom?
7. Whatever happened to this Stud Muffin?
8. What kind of rascal says Stud Muffin?!
9. Where in the world is Carmen Sandiego?
10. Why did I think brown lip liner and chap stick was once a good look?*
11. Did you know HH’s uncle played the dad on Alex Mack!?
12. How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

*before you thrown up in your mouth please realize this was circa 1994 and I wasn’t the only one.

Thursday, June 25, 2009

That wedding was over a year ago!?

Dear H&MThePeopleNotTheStore,
Happy One Year Wedding Anniversary!

Don’t be fooled, I am well aware that you did NOT in fact tie the knot on June 25th 2008, however as you’ll read here, on June 5th 2009 [the date of your actual anniversary] I was unable able to construct the letter I’m now writing. Plus being late is part of my charm.

M – I have to hand it to you, you’ve undoubtedly nabbed yourself a wife who fits into the family better than anyone else to date. . . including some people who are actually related.* That is a monumental accomplishment that I’m certain few others will ever be able to obtain. I’m stoked we’ve grown closer over the past couple years. I think you’re an amazing talent and from what I can tell, a pretty stellar hubby.

H – SERIOUSLY where do I begin!? You’re one of my favorites and it’s hard to remember the family before you were a part of it. You were a flawless bride and will be an amazing mom!

Congrats on making it through your first year and an even bigger congrats on getting knocked up . . . I can’t wait to meet the little guy!

Love,
TheOneYouGaveTheBigScissorsTo

*you know the few I’m talking about . . . NOT IT!

Monday, June 22, 2009

If you’re a bird, I’m a bird.

Luckily, the recent absence of my blogs has not been paired with an absence in TweetADoodles. Sooo. . . let’s take a look at what I’ve dubbed as my top tweets to date:

1. Is it weird that I got super excited when Ja Rule and JLo came on the radio? 5:44 PM Apr 16th

2. Am I too old to wake up with the ink from a bar's stamp on my face from sleeping on my hand? 11:00 AM May 3rd

3. At JFK, I might pee from excitement. Or it's possible it was the sprite. 4:58 PM May 12th

4. Is it weird that when I see a real Monet painting that the first thing that pops in my head is a clueless quote? 11:11 AM May 14th

5. Bottom of the 9th, bases loaded, 2 outs, and I put my rally cap on, Yankees Won! Best game ever! 8:34 AM May 16th

6. People that say "doodle" are fun, creative, and witty. 5:57 PM May 27th

7. My mother called to tell me she found "the babysitters club" board game in a thrift store. Jealous? 8:22 PM May 27th

8. You know it's going to be a good day when you find a surprise watermelon in your car. 9:51 AM May 29th

9. Still at work. Argh. (don't be confused my job is not that of a pirate) 7:42 PM Jun 2nd

10. Public apology: @alittleLL I'm sorry for "busting your nose and giving you 2 black eyes" I will not throw things at you anymore. 7:36 PM Jun 8th

11. The Pei Wei guy just gave me free potstickers, it's nice to have boobs! 6:01 PM Jun 16th

12. Remember that time I realized how cool it is to pronounce "mustache" as "moo-staush"... Get on board folks, all the cool kids are doing it! 9:03 AM Jun 19th

Now wasn’t that fun?! Don’t worry I’m not delusional enough to think anyone is interested in this list more than I am, and I’m okay with that.*

*That’s probably a fib.

Saturday, June 6, 2009

Insert Letter Here

Dear MayBirthdayBoy,
Well let’s call a spade a spade, this letter is LATE. Additionally, I’m ill prepared to draft our 11 month anniversary letter, yet here we are on the 6th once again. Let’s dub this brief note a placeholder for things to come. Just don’t hold your breath until then, it doesn’t bode well for your safety and I’d like to keep you around for a while.

Your continued patience is greatly appreciated. Here is your reward*:

Love,
YourGFWithLittleTimeToBlogProperly

*normally I wouldn't been keen on a boob shot taking up space on the 'ol blog. . .
but you can drool over the boobs whilst I drool over the bling!

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

Only 16 days overdue.


Dear LLWeeWee*,
Here’s your official birthday letter – late of course, because that’s how I roll.

I’m happy you’re 27 now just like me. You thought you’d be able to escape Father Time, but that bastard is tricky. Don’t worry, studies show** consuming large amounts of wine whilst watching bad TV makes you look younger. . .JACKPOT.

Thanks for being a great roomie this past year, I can’t wait to move into CND*** soon!

Love,
HotDamnWeTakeGoodPicturesTogether****

*She pees when she gets too excited.
**I made this up
**This is the name of our soon to be new pad, it stands for “Casa No Drama”. So pretty much the opposite of now.
***Modesty is just one of my amazing attributes

Friday, May 29, 2009

Be Still My Heart.

Courtesy of one of my favorite blogs (and a reminder from LL to check it out) I thought I’d take this lovely Friday as an opportunity to show you what LOVE looks like in the form of pictures. Plus, I just really wanted these gorgeous images on my blog. Thanks Design*Sponge (and LL)!

How do I love thee? Let me list the ways:

1 2
3
4
5
6
7
8